


come home to my heart

by woojibear



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Give Woojin all the hugs :(, M/M, idk how to tag, whole lotta angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 23:16:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19239094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woojibear/pseuds/woojibear
Summary: In the evening, as the sun began to set and the flowers were painted with the purple hues illuminating the sky, Woojin knew deep down that he'd never be this happy again.or: Woojin's always been so sure, but this time, he just doesn't know anymore.





	come home to my heart

The topic was not one up for debate, Chan had been adamant on the matter from the very start of their relationship. It was not something to be discussed and not something to be worried about. As every person would however, Woojin worried. It was his job to worry about Chan because he knew all about Chan's self-destructive tendencies from depriving himself of much-needed sleep in favour of staying in a cramped room all day, notes haphazardly strewn across the floor, to his complete disregard of physical appearance, his bags boring into his sunken eyes day by day. 

It never really caused much of an issue within their relationship at the beginning since Woojin had learned to compartmentalize the sinking feeling it always seemed to bring long ago. That feeling of emptiness however, was a powerful and demanding feeling, a feeling that only grew and festered its way into Woojin's heart, anchoring him down to unthinkable depths. 

Over time, Woojin's attitudes towards the topic became increasingly hostile and demanding, this aggression stemming from the very clutches of his heart as he pleaded over and over again, a mantra of 'why' 'why can't you just do it?' 

It was hard for Chan. So very difficult for Chan to even think about the topic without feelings of despair and hopelessness involuntarily clouding his mind. So he did the only thing he knew well enough; he ignored it. He ignored it in the blind hope that Woojin would forget. Woojin with his kind smiles, his soothing demeanour, his blinding presence and his overwhelming aura of a home that Chan could never really see himself being worthy of. 

It was a rainy day in Daejeon when the two met. The soft pitter-patter of rain hitting the sidewalk perfectly in sync with each step that Woojin took down the crowded streets. With his head down and feet fast pacing, it came as no surprise when he collided with a figure speed walking in the opposite direction. The sheer force of the impact was enough to send Woojin falling backward, his legs making painful contact with the wet slabs of concrete on the floor. He looked up only to be completely blind sighted by the man before him. This man looked no older than Woojin himself, with dark matted hair pushed into a snapback and sturdy figure engulfed in the soft material of a navy hoodie engraved with the letters KAIST. 

The man outstretched his hand towards Woojin and heaved him up with no struggle whatsoever.   
Rushed out apologies came tumbling out of the man's mouth, Woojin only comprehending partial phrases like 'my prof is gonna rip my lungs out' and a rather straightforward 'at least I bumped into someone as cute as you.' Woojin's ears heated up at the blunt compliment, his cheeks flushing a rosy pink as he attempted to cover his face with the sleeve of his now soaked jacket. 

He later found out, over a cup of steaming chamomile tea because Woojin held a firm disdain for the disgrace that was coffee, that the man's name was Chan. Bang Chan, a man who had only recently moved to Daejeon to pursue a career in engineering as he rather sincerely added, liked to "fix broken shit." Woojin's bright laugh filled the warm atmosphere and Chan swore he'd never hear anything as beautiful as that again. 

Meetings between the two or dates as Woojin's mind unhelpfully supplied, continued until one day, as the pair strolled through Yurim park, Chan turned to Woojin and had asked him the one question that changed everything in Woojin's life. His answer was simple and in the evening, as the sun began to set and the flowers were painted with the purple hues illuminating the sky, Woojin knew deep down that he'd never be this happy again. 

Loving Chan came naturally to Woojin. Throughout the 4 years of their relationship, it was increasingly difficult to imagine a future without him, a future without the man who made him whole seemed unfathomable and was a prospect Woojin disliked to dwell on. Chan's presence was a welcome intrusion into Woojin's once mundane and tedious life. It was Chan who would drag him out of the house to gaze at stars with him until the sun rose and dusty pink painted his face, Chan who would hold him so tenderly when things didn't feel right, Chan, whose presence had become such a constant in Woojin's life, had etched himself into the very fabric of Woojin's being. 

The day of their 4th anniversary arrived much quicker than either person had anticipated. 4 years spent with Chan had felt like some sort of a dream, a haze that Woojin couldn't wake himself up from. Their lives had meshed perfectly together with Chan's belongings slowly making their way into the confines of Woojin's apartment, Chan's treacherous coffee making its way into Woojin's cupboards and Chan himself, making his way into Woojin's heart. For it was Chan who woke him up as the sunlight began to stream into their bedroom, Chan who would leave the kettle on for Woojin's tea, Chan who would hold Woojin so tenderly, mouthing at his shoulders as they swayed back and forth in the kitchen.

On the day, both men were swamped with work, Chan with a 4-hour practical exam the next day and Woojin with a 75-page dissertation due in 2 days time. But still, in spite of it all, as the sun began to rise, Woojin found himself brewing a cup of coffee and mixing batter, all for Chan. It seemed as though every single thing Woojin did was for Chan. He carried the breakfast on a tray, lightly knocking on the door to signal his presence. 

Chan was beautiful like this. It was only in this unconscious state that Chan's features were smooth, with no frown pinching the middle of his eyebrows and skin looking radiant, almost as if he were absorbing the sun itself. Soft kisses and tender touches awoke Chan, his eyes bleary as they focused on the tray before him. That morning, he expressed his love for Chan in more ways than one, gentle touches lingering on his skin and traces of sweat forming on his back. 

Chan had rushed out of the house that morning, throwing a rushed out "gotta go babe!" across his shoulder. The topic lay dormant in the back of Woojin's mind, a constant reminder of the one issue that neither Woojin nor Chan could seem to solve and make better. 

It was late. It was 10:30pm and Woojin was sulking. Sulking because his boyfriend of 4 years hadn't come home yet despite the plethora of promises he had given Woojin that morning. Promises of a romantic stroll in the park, just like they had done when they first met, promises that Chan would make it all up to Woojin and that they would talk. The time ambled on, the tick-tocking of the clock mocking Woojin, reminding him that he would always be second place. 

It was 1:00am when Chan had come back to the apartment, instantly spotting a hunched figure fast asleep on the couch, shoes laying on the floor and jacket still on his shoulders. Chan's heart sank. Of course, Woojin would stay awake waiting for Chan, of course, he would make a cup of coffee for Chan, of course, he would always be patient with him. A twisting feeling settled in the depths of Chan's stomach and, unable to even look at the glistening of tears streaking Woojin's face, he left the apartment with heavy legs and a heavier heart.

The next morning, Woojin woke up with stiff shoulders and remnants of mucus clogging his sinuses from his hour-long crying session last night. The physical toll that the let down had on Woojin was far prettier than the mental one. Unwanted feelings of inadequacy consumed his mind and left him blank. Things were always bad when Woojin got like this.

The wave of emotions that came rushing into the confines of Woojin's mind turned to static. His sadness, fear, anger, all turned to static. His mind overwhelmed him with this feeling of complete blankness, a white screen paired with deafening white noise. So Woojin sat. He sat and stared until his eyes grew dry and his body stopped shaking. He sat frozen in the same position until Chan returned home, bouquet of verbena in one hand and dinner in the other. 

Woojin's mind didn't allow the memory of that night to linger in his brain, his thoughts became fuzzy anytime he tried to recall what had even happened in the first place. Perhaps it was for the best, Woojin was better off not knowing he supposed. 

Things returned to normal after that. Chan still woke Woojin up with gentle caresses all over his pliant body early in the morning, Chan still laid out two cups for them every day, Chan still remained a permanent fixture in Woojin's life. 

It was the mention of that dreaded topic that had sent Woojin's mind into a place he had never even remembered existing in the first place. It was just like any other day, except Chan had insisted on coming to the local coffee shop with Woojin, claiming that he "missed my baby so much." Woojin scoffed at the pet name, the tips of his ears heating up as he choked out a "come on then you ass."

Woojin's friend, Minho, was going to join the two as he desperately needed to catch up on the last few lessons of notes. Who was he kidding, he needed at least the whole semester's worth of notes. 

The trio sat down in a secluded booth overlooking the peaceful streets, Chan across from Woojin and Minho. It had been almost an hour of pure silence as Woojin wordlessly exchanged notes with Minho when he felt a slight nudge on his foot. He looked up expectantly at Chan, only to find his head downturned towards his book. Woojin put it down as a mistake when 2 minutes later, Chan's same foot made contact with Woojin's shoe. Woojin looked up with a slight smile and managed to catch sight of Chan's quirked lips as his shoe began to nudge Woojin's again and again.

They continued this game of footsie, throwing knowing glances towards the other for a good 5 minutes until all three of them had decided that it was probably a good idea to actually order some coffee at a coffee shop. Chan had offered to order and before Woojin could even begin speaking, Chan cut him off with a short "Woojinnie you really don't have to tell me." His eyes met Chan's and a familiar warmth bloomed in his chest. 

It was when Chan had arrived and set the chamomile tea in front of Woojin that Minho broke the silence with "You guys must really love each other." In direct response to this, Woojin confirmed with a confident "Well of course" whilst at the very same time, Chan remained absolutely silent. 

All of a sudden, Woojin's words seemed to carry an unmistakable weight to them and the atmosphere had quickly shifted into an awkward and unbearable silence. Woojin looked up at Chan, hope in his eyes, only to find a pair of empty ones boring right back into him. 

Woojin excused himself from the booth rather abruptly, privy to Minho's treacherous glare aimed at Chan, and dragged himself towards the toilets. It was there that Woojin locked himself in a cubicle and sank to the floor, uncaring of his surroundings. He held his face in his hands, knees tucked to his chest as his mind repeated the same phrase over and over again, 'Chan doesn't love you.' It was a terrifying conclusion to come to in such a public place but it seemed that Woojin's feelings held no mercy and were relentless in their attack on his mind.

Woojin, who had let Chan become such an important person in his life, Woojin, who just couldn't see himself without Chan, was not loved. 

The feeling of such sadness tore Woojin apart from the inside, made his heart race, his hands clam and his eyes leak. Woojin's entire body wracked with heart-wrenching sobs, pulled straight from the depths of his lungs as he realised that no one would ever love him. The room began to spin, Woojin's breathing becoming erratic and his hands desperately trying to clutch at something to ground himself, all in vain. He buried his head further into his chest and reminded himself that sooner or later, this overwhelming pain would leave and maybe, just maybe, Woojin would be able to live with half a heart. 

It was a few moments later that the doors were opened and footsteps echoed throughout the room. Woojin instantly recognised those shoes. Those shoes that Woojin had just been playing footsie with minutes ago, bringing bashful smiles to their faces, terrified Woojin to no end as he scrambled up from the floor. 

Upon coming out of the cubicle, it was completely obvious that Woojin had just been crying. His hair was tousled from his assault on it, his eyes puffy and red-rimmed and his cheeks splotchy. The look of sheer pity Chan had greeted him with made Woojin want to curl up into a ball and never see him again. But how could such an option even be viable when Woojin knew well enough that even without Chan, he'd still search for him? 

Chan had initially said nothing and Woojin took it as a cue for him to start speaking. 

"I'm fine Channie.. can we just go home?" Woojin's voice cracked on the word home, his voice unsure of where they stood in their relationship anymore. He averted his gaze and chose instead to stare at the floor. 

"Of course baby.. of course we can go home." Whilst the earlier use of the pet name brought a timid blush to Woojin's features, this time, it only served as a reminder that Woojin would never be enough for Chan. Woojin just didn't seem to be enough to make Chan love him and the prospect sat heavy in his chest. 

The pair returned to their table, Woojin having momentarily forgotten about Minho's presence when Minho's eyes softened at Woojin's obvious heartbroken state. Wordlessly, Minho stood up from the booth, nudged past Chan and pulled Woojin into a warm embrace. Woojin rested his head on Minho's shoulder and let his eyes droop, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. His arms lay idle at his side and his body began to grow limp. 

Before Woojin could completely lose consciousness from his draining episode in the toilets, he faintly registered the familiar feel of Chan's arms lifting him, and a hazy "Honestly fuck you" being thrown Chan's way from a presumably angered Minho before his vision clouded to black. 

When Woojin awoke, in an empty bed, curtains drawn and body shivering, everything hurt. His stomach hadn't stopped its vicious twisting and turning and his heartfelt so, so heavy. 

Talking to Chan was going to be one of the worst things that Woojin would do, but he steeled himself, grit his teeth and padded into the living room. Chan was sat on the couch, book in his hand and reading glasses resting on his face, the familiarity of the sight shooting painful arrows deep into Woojin's heart. 

"Hey Channie can we talk please?" Woojin's knees were shaking and he felt lightheaded but it had to be done. He needed to know. 

"Sure Woojinie.. come sit," the hesitation in Chan's voice made Woojin's hands sweat, this wasn't a good sign. 

Woojin reproachfully made his way towards the couch, feeling like a stranger in his own home. In any other circumstance, Chan would tease Woojin for sitting so far away from him and pull him snug against his chest, leaving fluttering kisses on his head. But not this time. This time, Chan kept glancing at Woojin from the corner of his eyes and kept wringing his fingers, a habit that only surfaced when Chan was very nervous.

"Why don't you love me?" The words hung heavy between the two and Chan at least had the decency to look somewhat surprised at the bold question. 

"Baby I swear-" 

"Don't. Chan don't call me that." Chan's mouth was left slightly agape as his mind processed what Woojin had said. Never in their 4 years of being together had Woojin ever called Chan anything but 'Channie.' 

"Chan I just.. did I do something wrong? B-because if I did I swear I'm sorry, I'll be better I promise, just please tell me what I did, please Channie, please," Woojin's initial confrontational tone instantly crumbled into hysterics, his body unable to stop its shaking. 

Chan reached out for Woojin's hand, heart aching at the sight of his boyfriend's normally playful demeanour descend into one of pure pain and heartache. As soon as Chan had initiated contact with Woojin's trembling hands, Woojin instantly reeled back, as though he had been scorched by hell itself. 

Woojin scrambled to get off the couch, away from Chan but was stopped by a firm grasp on his arm and a soft "Baby please just listen."

"I just don't know okay? Fuck, every time I think about you, my heart feels so warm but I just.. I just don't know if I can do that. I'm sorry." Chan's voice descended into a soft mumble towards the end but the answer was clear. 

Chan didn't love Woojin. 

Coming to that conclusion earlier hadn't hurt Woojin as much since it was actions that spoke louder than words and surely through Chan's actions it had to be obvious that he loved him? But hearing those words, hearing that uncertainty tinge Chan's voice made Woojin's entire being hurt more than he could bear, made his throat close up and his heart empty. 

"Why? Why did you let me fall in love with you then.. it hurts Channie.. it hurts so bad," Woojin managed to choke out before his head collapsed into his hands and the once warm apartment echoed with the sounds of Woojin's unceasing wails, his entire body hyperventilating from the force of his tears. 

Chan moved towards Woojin in an instant, his feelings be damned because Woojin was so painfully distraught and it was all his fault. Chan's arms snaked around Woojin's quivering form but were immediately wrapped around thin air as Woojin staggered up from the couch. 

"Woojin baby come back here.. please we can talk about this-"

"Please just.. j-just don't come near me," Woojin's voice cracked, unsteady as his knees gave out and hit the floor with painful impact. 

"Woojin please.. just let me at least help you to the bedroom-" 

"Oh I don't know Chan, I don't think I can do that right now," Woojin spat out, staring straight into Chan's eyes for the first time and seeing the pure look of betrayal on his face.

"Woojin, it's just as hard for me as it is for you. You don't think it hurt me knowing that I couldn't give you what you wanted? You don't think it hurt looking into your eyes only to see so much fucking love in them, knowing that I couldn't give that to you?" Chan's tone began increasing in volume towards the end, his words almost being shouted at Woojin. 

"You never said so Chan! You never stopped me the first time I said it and I could swear that every time I looked into your eyes, the same amount of love was staring right back at me." 

Both men looked each other in the eyes for a moment, Woojin's glistening with built up tears, Chan's looking on, void of much emotion. Their chests heaved from the aftermath of their outbursts before Woojin let out a long dejected sigh and picked himself up. 

It was a rainy day in Daejeon when the two went their separate ways.

The once warm and sunlit apartment grew colder over time. Woojin's box of chamomile tea lay untouched, his side of the bed uncrumpled, his place in Chan's heart unchanged. Woojin had left so quickly, left Chan frozen in his place, his mind faintly remembering the soft click of the door because Woojin always hated to be a bother to the neighbours. Woojin with his broken sobs, his forlorn demeanour, his aching presence and fleeting aura of a home Chan knew he had lost for good.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and I'm so sorry if it made you sad :(   
> Also, this was like my first fic ever so please don't kill me if it's really bad oops.   
> Please leave a kudos if you liked it :)  
> Follow me on twitter @woocps it's pretty much just me losing it over Woojin but what's new.


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